Restoring the Joy
A passage of scripture came up in one of my church services recently. It was a few weeks ago. Honestly, I don't remember who was speaking that night. I don't think I heard anything that was said after the passage was read. It's not that I've never heard it before. It was already familiar to me but it really hit home that night.
Psalm 51: A Prayer for Restoration
For the choir director. A Davidic psalm, when Nathan the prophet came to him after he had gone to Bathsheba.
Be gracious to me, God,
according to Your faithful love;
according to Your abundant compassion,
blot out my rebellion.
Wash away my guilt,
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I am conscious of my rebellion,
and my sin is always before me.
Against You—You alone—I have sinned
and done this evil in Your sight.
So You are right when You pass sentence;
You are blameless when You judge.
Indeed, I was guilty [when I] was born;
I was sinful when my mother conceived me.
Surely You desire integrity in the inner self,
and You teach me wisdom deep within.
Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones You have crushed rejoice.
Turn Your face away from my sins
and blot out all my guilt.
God, create a clean heart for me
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not banish me from Your presence
or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,
and give me a willing spirit.
Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways,
and sinners will return to You.
Save me from the guilt of bloodshed, God,
the God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.
Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare Your praise.
You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it;
You are not pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.
God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart.
In Your good pleasure, cause Zion to prosper;
build the walls of Jerusalem.
Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on Your altar.
From the Holman Christian Standard Bible - Emphasis Added
I had to bookmark this in my Bible so I would remember to go back to it. And I have gone back to it... several times. Line after line it speaks directly to where I am spiritually.
I want the "joy of His salvation" restored in my life too. But it's a trust thing isn't it? I have to be like David and beg God for His grace. I could try to distance myself from God. I can avoid Church, avoid Bibles, neglect prayer, even try to convince myself intellectually that maybe there is no God at all. But David says, "For I am conscious of my rebellion, and my sin is always before me."
Running from the consequences of the wrong choices you have made is emotionally exhausting. God's grace towards me is revealed in the fact that He is willing to run me down. He's willing to pursue me until I'm ready to give up. That's exactly where he wants me. I think he wants me to lose faith in my own ability to fix things, then he can start to fix me.
"The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.
God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart."
I think I'm almost there God. Thank you for not giving up on me.